death. fragments.

date. 2021

city. new york city​

Image by m wrona

Scrap board

 

Say goodbye to something or someone 

Take a week off. Completely. Shabbos for a week. Heck, Shabbos for a day.

Write letters to each of my friends and family

Death encourages us to forget the future and look toward the past. 

Life as pregnancy / incubation / the Jews in the desert. Death is birth

Meditation as death.

Death is a story.

Add: ego death on acid. That’s okay. “I” will be okay. 

Make a death list. Add something that died each day 

History: everything which has already died / been destroyed.

Read the obituary section each morning. 

Each day is born, lives, and dies. 

It gets dark so I can see the stars. 

“What does Christ do, but invite us to live watchfully, as if we were about to die at any moment, and to adhere to the practice of virtue, as if we were destined to live forever?” - Erasmus 

Slipping into myself. Isolated. Sad.

The fear of annihilation passed from the World Wars into the Cold War into the ecological war. The fear is the same; it simply inhabits different bodies.

 

Let life melt away, like boiled flesh slipping off the bone, and what is left?

Death as a thing in itself 

Ask people what they think happens after death

Death is beautiful (check out the Quora page)


By insisting that death is beautiful, I am trying to cover it up, turn it into something desirable. Insisting that death is this or that is just another attempt to hide from what death truly is. 

Death is a going home 

What is the darkness? It is the unwelcome appearance of my deepest fears.

Cremation vs burial

Death has become lonely. And thus far more dangerous.

I never got to say goodbye to tzvi. I missed his funeral. 

How do I spend my last year alive? I fill it with celebration!

“In the beginning there was only one evil that had various aspects: suffering, sin, and death.”

Suffering lets the pain out. It lets the pain escape from within me. Psychological blood letting.

 

 

Humility

 

To be humble

Is to become immune to the opinions of the crowd.

 

It is to strengthen one’s self

Against the steady onslaught

of both praise and criticism,

Which meets one each day.

 

To be humble is not to be small,

It is not to crouch

Or cower.

It is to stand up

Tall

And become the largest person in your world.

 

Staying true only to your self.

 

No ideas of me

Will ever reflect

My true self.

[Words can only reflect

The experiences they capture.

I cannot be captured.]

 

My soul is

an infinite source

Of surprises.

 

 

Give and Take

 

Life is but a question.

Death is its answer.

 

 

Darkness

 

I used to think that the idea

Was to stay up late into the night

Breathing in the darkness.

 

I now understand that

Darkness only suffocates.

 

One should give oneself up at dusk

And slip into a deep sleep.

 

Sleep alone

Accepts the darkness.

 

There are two kinds of darkness:

That which contains absolute terror.

And that which contains absolute nothing.

 

Evil vs. nihilism

Satan vs. the devil

Absence vs presence

Too much vs nothing at all.

 

And so two kinds of depressions.

That which desires nothing.

And that which fears everything.

 

 

Ash Wednesday

 

The body consumes itself.

The World According to Garp

-- I wish I knew you when you were fifteen
I wish I knew you when you were five.
I wish we grew up together as kids.
That was I could see you as flat chested and watch as your breasts grew.

-- You’ll get to see my breasts sag, my teeth fall out, and my hair turn grey. It’s not as exciting but…

-- Our youth is gone, isn’t it?

-- Mhm

-- How about that? I’m thirty. Dirty thirty.

————

-- Do you miss writing?
-- No, not at all. But if I do, I’ll start again. You know what I really love though? Thinking about everything. How we met and all that. 
-- We can’t live in the past.
-- But I can live in the present and think about the past. 
-- You’re supposed to do that when you’re old and grey.
-- Oh to hell with that. When I’m old and grey I probably won’t remember my past. You’ve got to be young when you do it. It’s really nice you know. To look back and see the arc of your life and it’s all connected. How you got from there to here. See the lines, you know? It really has been an adventure.