death. week 7.

April 9

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I was completely unprepared the first time I dropped acid. It remains by far the worst experience of my life. 

 

At one point, under attack from every corner of my mind, I did the only thing possible; I surrendered. I sat down and transcribed my thoughts in the hopes that by allowing them out, I would set them, and myself, free.

 

But the plan failed. Each time I wrote a sentence, I would take one look at it and feel repulsed. Delete delete delete. I found that there was nothing I could write that didn’t need to immediately be deleted.

 

And so, I devised a code, a kind of secret language which I could type out, letter by letter, but that I could not read back to myself. By giving my hands the power to create what my eyes could not see, I was finally able to express myself.

 

Once I was finished, I saved the document deep in my hard drive and forgot about it. I was too afraid to translate it. I just wanted to move on and didn't think I could handle resurfacing the thoughts I had that night. And eventually, when my laptop died, the document was lost.

 

It’s now seven years later, and I’ve been making a point to peek into dark corners. Perhaps it’s time.

 

I spent a month going back and forth with the IT dept at Penn to recover my student email account, where I found the document saved to my cloud drive. I downloaded it, waited another month, and then sat down this morning with a coffee and some soothing piano playing in the background, and began to decode my LSD message letter by letter.

 

Coded Text

 

Too qwyqj3e g48uh 7to6 w3s qwyqj3e r49j g38ht 0497e 8 e9h5 qoo92 j6w3or 88888 8hw5qh5o6 qwyqj3e 0340357qoo qj 8 qd58ht r33o w74497he3e 285y t84ow do9w3 599 do9w3 d9jr945 qhe wqr356 w9 8j0945qh5 8 r33o 4qg8e e8wt7w58ht e8456 e845555 8 r33o 70o8r53e g6 5y8w oqht7qt3 5yq5 8 jqe3 r94 j6w3or qo9h3 w9 jqh6 t84oww 8 r33o w74497he3e 3jgq43ww3e r94 5qw53 599 g48ty5 59 o99i 8h59 rqd3 dqh5 o99i 8h59 3636w w3or qgw94g3e o99i 59 95y34w 59 w33 y92 5y36 43qd5 59 j3 5y8w 8w 9ho6 j35y9e 59 w33 j6w3or 3f3469h3 8w 8h q w3d435 w3s7qo 43oq589hwy80 w58oo y908ht r94 43d9th8589h 53s5 8h j6 oqht7qt3 q003q4w 8h h94jqo : do73 59 g3 w33h 3jgq443ww3e 9r 0369w q55qdy3e 59 0y9h3 23q48ht qoo t433h g38ht w7034 09o853 qr4q8e 9r y7458ht 0390o3 08qh9 8w f346 g73q58r7o 048fqd6 8w 8j0945qh5 w59jqdy 8w 7hd9jr945qgo3 y745w 24858ht 8w 8j0945qh5 0q4qh98e w7034 0q4qh98e y9448go3 qoo 5y3 5y8htw 8 e9 g3d9j3 3f8e3hd3 qhe 3sqj0o3w 9r h3749w8w h33e 59 jqi3 47o3w h99h3 rqj8o6 h33e 00o g75 4307ow3e w8j7o5qh397wo6 o9f3 8w rq4q2q6 q0q4hq 294ew 5qi3 9h w7034e8w58hd5h3ww j3h5qo y8w5946 8w q 5y3j3 h33e 59 qwi 034j8ww89h r94 3f3465y8ht 8 2qh5 2qh5 59 5yqhi 3f3469h3 59 r33o 5yqhi3e  2qh5 59 g3 w33h g75 qwyqj3e 59 g3 w33h q5 5y3 wqj3 58j3 hqi3e qhe 43o8t89h o8ty5 fw eq4i e8dy959j6 h33e qrr3d589h 8 dqh 547w5

 

Translated Text

 

Too ashamed being ugly sex ashamed from being proud I don’t allow myself iiiii instantly ashamed perpetual am I acting feel surrounded with girls close too comfort and safety so important I feel rabid disgusting dirty dirtttt I feel uplifted by this language that I made for myself alone so many girlss I feel surrounded embarrassed for taste too bright to look into face can’t look into eyes self absorbed look to others to see how they react to me this is only method to see myself everyone is in a sexual relationship still hoping for recognition text in my language appears in normal / clue to be seen embarrassed of peyos attached to phone wearing all green being super polite afraid of hurting people piano is very beautiful privacy is important stomach is uncomfortable hurts writing is important paranoid super paranoid horrible all the things I do become evidence and examples of neurosis need to make rules no one family need ppl but repulsed simultaneously love is faraway aparna words take on superdistictness mental history is a theme need to ask permission for everything I want want to thank everyone to feel thanked want to be seen but ashamed to be seen at the same time naked and religion light vs dark dichotomy need affection I can trust

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Lucky me. I just saved myself 10 years of therapy.

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But when one is alone and it is night

and so dark and still that one hears nothing

and sees nothing but the thoughts

which add and subtract the years,

and the long row of disagreeable facts

which remorselessly indicate how far

the hand of the clock has moved forward,

and the slow, irresistible approach

of the wall of darkness

which will eventually engulf everything you love,

possess, wish, strive, and hope for --

then all our profundities about life slink off

to some undiscoverable hiding place,

and fear envelops the sleepless one

like a smothering blanket.

 

- Carl Jung